september 24th – inside/out

Hi Sweetheart,

I just finished writing 3 more return letters.  It feels good to be able to write people and thank them for their support.  It also gives me an opportunity to share with them how God is working in and around this situation.  I probably need to make a list of the people that have written, along with those that have committed to praying for us, and compose my own prayer list.

I was reflecting upon our visit yesterday.  I have such a feeling of love and respect for you, deeper than I have ever known.  It is awesome how God can keep expanding my heart’s capacity to love.  I’ve watched it happen as we have celebrated anniversaries and welcomed children into our lives.

They delivered mail already.  A letter from you (yeah!), from my mom, from Aunt Pauline, Annie-Kay, & the Rushes from Temple City Church.

I loved the hydrangea card.  Beautiful!  Again, you find the best cards.  Did you finish your book A Grace Disguised?  The words you shared in your card helped me today.

“The defining moment is not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us.  Darkness, it is true, had invaded my soul.  But then again, so did light.  Both contributed to my personal transformation.”

I really like that.

Ray just stopped by my door.  He came up to the doorway and just stood there.  I met him at the door and he extended his hand to shake mine.  He then said, “thank you.”  I had given him my apples at dinner so I thought that was what he was thanking me for.  So I responded, “Don’t trip, I didn’t want them.” 

He smiled and said, “No Dog, I mean thank you for everything…the visit, the prayers, the way you have talked with me.”  I told him that he is a friend of mine and a brother in Christ.  And no matter what happens to him and his case that the Lord will be with him.  It was quite an exchange.  Again, God is busy at work.

Today has been a tough day for me.  Your letter and the conversation with Ray has helped.  I have just been in kind of a funk all day.  Upset that I am in here and not at home with you.  The more I thought about it the more mad I became.  The Lord and I have been talking about it.  He is working on me and I am listening.

I just got off the phone with you.  I am sorry that I let the negative of my day creep into our call.  I am saddened that it encroached upon our time.  I came back to my cell and knew I needed to pray.  I need His help with my attitude because I do not want to do anything that will detract from the work He is doing in here.  I cannot let myself harbor those feelings toward others–no matter how inconsiderate they are.

This is jail and that is just the way things are.  I need not focus on changing others–but on changing and/or strengthening myself.  I cannot get lost or caught up in the petty and lose sight of the real goal.  While I am here, I am to be used for His purpose and not to be concentrating on my own personal wants or desires.

And I want to express my sorrow and regret that you are having to endure this.  That your husband is in jail and not at home with you.  My heart just aches because my beautiful, loving, considerate, compassionate and intelligent wife has to be confronted daily with the ramifications of her mate being incarcerated, even if it is only for a short while.  You don’t deserve that and I am sorry.

I haven’t felt this low since the day they brought me in.  I still know that the Lord is in control and that what I need is to meditate on His Word.  I will do that shortly.  This is just one of those days where I am sure that the Lord has had to carry me.  And the fact that He welcomes the opportunity makes me smile.  And that fact that He can and will carry both of us makes me REJOICE!

Our God is Amazing.  I need to share a quick story that just happened.  I was in my cell writing this letter (we were locked down for count) when the Deps opened the doors to let guys out into the day room.  I decided I would just stay inside and continue to write.  I also decided it was probably not a good idea, with my attitude, to be out with the guys.  They did not deserve what I had to give.

Anyway, I was sitting on my bunk when Tony (the guy who had the 13-year-old who shot himself) came by to check on me.  I gave him a quick summary of my mood and he told me that he is here to listen if I needed it.  He said that I has listened to him enough and that he would gladly return the favor.  I thanked him and told him I just needed some time of quiet reflection to allow God to speak to me. 

As he left, Ray came by to check on me.  I also gave him a summary of my mood and my intentions.  And this is the part that floors me.  Ray said to me, “Do you want me to pray with you?”  I nodded “yes” and then told him I didn’t think I could pray (I was near tears).  We clasped hands and Ray began to pray a prayer that was simple, honest and incredibly sincere. 

The Lord answered me earlier prayer in a way that I could never have imagined.  Despite my cold mood and lack of faith, the Lord had been faithful, just like he always has been.  Reaching His hand down to help pick me up.  His grace and mercy astounds me.

Well Sweetheart, it’s been quite a day.  I am emotionally spent but wishing I had another opportunity to speak with you tonight.  I wish I could share with you, right now the way the Lord has worked in and around me today.  I will end this day in the same way it began, praising Him.  I love you and will talk with you in the morning.   Sleep well my love.

Love Always, Scott

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